Monday, August 20, 2007
Monday
Not all of them, but some Mondays make you feel brand new. That's it. I have been feeling used, misused, abused. And what's left of it?
Nothing.
Not even lessons for not making the same mistake again.
Improving.
That's the word.
I'm always sure it's gonna be better this time.
The worst part of it are the leftovers. A pan here, a book there. The chair, the "armchair".. Oh, what an armchair!
It looks like I was complaining, but now it comes all in such a strong blow.
Memories, most of them good. The thing that always annoys me is that they are so powerful I can't easily forget them.
So nice, so agreeable, the disgust comes later.
OK, I was gonna talk about my actual state of mind.
I'm really feeling useful.
I did a wonderful job last Friday. The thing worked so nice I think I'm gonna have to turn it into a habit.
Talking to different audiences. It is always a challenge and it makes me feel so strong.
To accomplish different tasks. To change moods, places, people.
That's GREAT!
I love it.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Stuck
Yes, I'm stuck here on the other side. I can see things happening. People coming and going, but I'm out, excluded, torn.
Well, if rupture was the thing I was looking for, Here it is.
I was proud, self sufficient, weren't I?
How could anyone be blamed on putting itself away?
Blergh.
Well, if rupture was the thing I was looking for, Here it is.
I was proud, self sufficient, weren't I?
How could anyone be blamed on putting itself away?
Blergh.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
King Lear
It is no vicious blot, murder, or foulness,
No unchaste action, or dishonoured step,
That hath deprived me of your grace and favour;
No unchaste action, or dishonoured step,
That hath deprived me of your grace and favour;
But even for want of that for which I am richer,
A still-soliciting eye, and such a tongue
As I am glad I have not, though not to have it
Hath lost me in your liking.
King Lear, 1. 1
Self explanatory, I think.
Perhaps I will not understand it in a year or so, but now, it is all I have to say to myself. I don't have any other means to put it in words. I try, but my brain is still. Motionless, astonished...
A still-soliciting eye, and such a tongue
As I am glad I have not, though not to have it
Hath lost me in your liking.
King Lear, 1. 1
Self explanatory, I think.
Perhaps I will not understand it in a year or so, but now, it is all I have to say to myself. I don't have any other means to put it in words. I try, but my brain is still. Motionless, astonished...
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Me
Well, thinking about everything...
My kids are everything I have in life. I've been struggling to do every possible move to protect them. I've been worried because it seems never to be enough. I am everything they have. That was my choice and I keep on wondering if it was fair. I sometimes feel completely alone. There's nobody I can count on to help me. Their father shows whe he feels comfortale to do so.
But when they want to torture me, they threaten me by saying they're going to live with the father. I know, of course it's not serious. They can't stand him. But it hurts. Intenions are many times stronger than actions.
YesterdayI was wondering whre I would be if they didn't come to me. They surely kept me stable, I've always been so light minded. I can't imagine where I would be now. Not here, for sure.
They take a lot of time. Taking my daughter to work, I was thinking how many times I had to give up many other things to make it easier for her. Not that I'm not proud of her, but at her age I was so quick, and independent. In terms, my father has always been around. He was somebody I could always count on. That's what I would like to mean for her. But it's not that easy. That makes me value my poor old dad even more. I miss so musch the cnfidence of having him around, but, anyway, I deserted him. That's the price I have to pay for having left him. My mother too, she was a stone, always mad at me, but there! I could never stand their control over me. And when I complain about their granddaughter they say she's just like me...
Yes, they anchor me, I need them to feel necessary. It's so hard to feel useless the way I do when their father takes them away. I could be such a better mom, I could just care more abot them, but it's more than I can accomplish. She says I'm lazy, will it be true? Is it the reason why I let them do whatever they want?
I like to think that's because I know what it is to be ruled all the time. But wasn't it useful? Isn't that the reason why I'm somebody today?
I fear to be wrong, to have skipped something, lost the railway somewhere.
And it all comes because I feel completely unearthed. I don't know who I am, who I would like to be. I don't think I have the right to doubt. It's really hurting them to see me this way. Confused, repentful, unsafe, sad.
I don't have the right, I can't think of other lives, other places, realities.
My kids are everything I have in life. I've been struggling to do every possible move to protect them. I've been worried because it seems never to be enough. I am everything they have. That was my choice and I keep on wondering if it was fair. I sometimes feel completely alone. There's nobody I can count on to help me. Their father shows whe he feels comfortale to do so.
But when they want to torture me, they threaten me by saying they're going to live with the father. I know, of course it's not serious. They can't stand him. But it hurts. Intenions are many times stronger than actions.
YesterdayI was wondering whre I would be if they didn't come to me. They surely kept me stable, I've always been so light minded. I can't imagine where I would be now. Not here, for sure.
They take a lot of time. Taking my daughter to work, I was thinking how many times I had to give up many other things to make it easier for her. Not that I'm not proud of her, but at her age I was so quick, and independent. In terms, my father has always been around. He was somebody I could always count on. That's what I would like to mean for her. But it's not that easy. That makes me value my poor old dad even more. I miss so musch the cnfidence of having him around, but, anyway, I deserted him. That's the price I have to pay for having left him. My mother too, she was a stone, always mad at me, but there! I could never stand their control over me. And when I complain about their granddaughter they say she's just like me...
Yes, they anchor me, I need them to feel necessary. It's so hard to feel useless the way I do when their father takes them away. I could be such a better mom, I could just care more abot them, but it's more than I can accomplish. She says I'm lazy, will it be true? Is it the reason why I let them do whatever they want?
I like to think that's because I know what it is to be ruled all the time. But wasn't it useful? Isn't that the reason why I'm somebody today?
I fear to be wrong, to have skipped something, lost the railway somewhere.
And it all comes because I feel completely unearthed. I don't know who I am, who I would like to be. I don't think I have the right to doubt. It's really hurting them to see me this way. Confused, repentful, unsafe, sad.
I don't have the right, I can't think of other lives, other places, realities.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Kerouac
I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion...
JACK KEROUAC
This is something that reminds me my own confusion.
I have been thinking about changing. Too many times, too many trials, and nothing happens. Changes come, pass by me and I'm still the same. I can even recognize my own pride, my stuborness. But not able to deal with tem, I keep on doing the sme things, the same mistakes.
I have thought a lot about many things and decided. I have to go to the shrimp. I can't deal with myself all alone. I need help. Perhaps it is nothing that serious. I'm just a person deprived of greediness. I don't care about the future. I keep here while the others go... I decided, again, I have to go ahead. I will keep contact with Miguel, he represents big promises, I keep on running away from him. I think I fear him. I have done this mistake once. It's enough. I won't...
Perhaps my daughter is right and I'm just too lazy to cope with things. I agree to some extent. I prefer to be told what to do when it means not having to decide what to eat or drink, but when it comes to important matters, it is different. I can't stand anybody telling me what to do, what to wear.
In fact, I recognize that people passed by me and found other pertners who can cope with distress and confusion. That's not my case. I'm sure it's bad for myself and for them. That's wht they leave and live happily forever after.
But I can't get out of myself. I can't just go. I have to satay and deal with it.
That's me.
Confusion, lack of concentration. What doctor. I must decide, now.
JACK KEROUAC
This is something that reminds me my own confusion.
I have been thinking about changing. Too many times, too many trials, and nothing happens. Changes come, pass by me and I'm still the same. I can even recognize my own pride, my stuborness. But not able to deal with tem, I keep on doing the sme things, the same mistakes.
I have thought a lot about many things and decided. I have to go to the shrimp. I can't deal with myself all alone. I need help. Perhaps it is nothing that serious. I'm just a person deprived of greediness. I don't care about the future. I keep here while the others go... I decided, again, I have to go ahead. I will keep contact with Miguel, he represents big promises, I keep on running away from him. I think I fear him. I have done this mistake once. It's enough. I won't...
Perhaps my daughter is right and I'm just too lazy to cope with things. I agree to some extent. I prefer to be told what to do when it means not having to decide what to eat or drink, but when it comes to important matters, it is different. I can't stand anybody telling me what to do, what to wear.
In fact, I recognize that people passed by me and found other pertners who can cope with distress and confusion. That's not my case. I'm sure it's bad for myself and for them. That's wht they leave and live happily forever after.
But I can't get out of myself. I can't just go. I have to satay and deal with it.
That's me.
Confusion, lack of concentration. What doctor. I must decide, now.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Eu uso óculos
Bem, o médico mandou, eu faço.
Tenho que usar para ler. Além, lógico, da obediência, tem a necessidade. Não vejo mais nada sem eles, tanto, que estou começando a coleção.
Tenho que usar para ler. Além, lógico, da obediência, tem a necessidade. Não vejo mais nada sem eles, tanto, que estou começando a coleção.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Relatividade
Bem, se o tempo é relativo, então foi ontem que escrevi o último post. Estou ainda tentando enxergar o outro lado, mas a perspectiva mudou muito pouco. Ainda me sinto presa a um espectro que não sou eu.
Do outro lado,...
Do outro lado,...
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Reflexos
Bem, ver-se ao contrário é sempre desumano. Mas sinto que o exercício é necessário.
Ver o que nego, o que tento esconder, mas que é tão nítido quando visto daqui.
Solidão, impaciência, carência, teimosia.
Ver o que nego, o que tento esconder, mas que é tão nítido quando visto daqui.
Solidão, impaciência, carência, teimosia.
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