Me

Well, thinking about everything...
My kids are everything I have in life. I've been struggling to do every possible move to protect them. I've been worried because it seems never to be enough. I am everything they have. That was my choice and I keep on wondering if it was fair. I sometimes feel completely alone. There's nobody I can count on to help me. Their father shows whe he feels comfortale to do so.
But when they want to torture me, they threaten me by saying they're going to live with the father. I know, of course it's not serious. They can't stand him. But it hurts. Intenions are many times stronger than actions.
YesterdayI was wondering whre I would be if they didn't come to me. They surely kept me stable, I've always been so light minded. I can't imagine where I would be now. Not here, for sure.
They take a lot of time. Taking my daughter to work, I was thinking how many times I had to give up many other things to make it easier for her. Not that I'm not proud of her, but at her age I was so quick, and independent. In terms, my father has always been around. He was somebody I could always count on. That's what I would like to mean for her. But it's not that easy. That makes me value my poor old dad even more. I miss so musch the cnfidence of having him around, but, anyway, I deserted him. That's the price I have to pay for having left him. My mother too, she was a stone, always mad at me, but there! I could never stand their control over me. And when I complain about their granddaughter they say she's just like me...
Yes, they anchor me, I need them to feel necessary. It's so hard to feel useless the way I do when their father takes them away. I could be such a better mom, I could just care more abot them, but it's more than I can accomplish. She says I'm lazy, will it be true? Is it the reason why I let them do whatever they want?
I like to think that's because I know what it is to be ruled all the time. But wasn't it useful? Isn't that the reason why I'm somebody today?
I fear to be wrong, to have skipped something, lost the railway somewhere.
And it all comes because I feel completely unearthed. I don't know who I am, who I would like to be. I don't think I have the right to doubt. It's really hurting them to see me this way. Confused, repentful, unsafe, sad.
I don't have the right, I can't think of other lives, other places, realities.